The Republic of Thoronia

Songs for the (avoidance) of the DNC

As the Democratic National Convention starts really sticking its claws into the city, mixtapes and protest songs are popping up everywhere. But what are those of us on the “meh” side of the political spectrum supposed to do? Especially all of us being forced into it by our work or home’s proximity to downtown. What are we going to listen while New York Times journalists blog away their days at Starbucks?

Abba – “Another Town, Another Train”
Taking a trip on the train will be a new occurrence to many, as parking will be impossible in downtown. “I guess (you’ll) be spending life in railway stations.” But at least you can look back on the DNC and remember that “Nothing lost and nothing gained.”

Cee-Lo/Goodie Mob – “Cell Therapy”
While you’re walking home or taking the bus, you might come across some protest pens filled with grizzled Braveheart-looking youngsters looking ready for action. But don’t worry, they’re in their cells, but Cee-Lo still asks the question, “Who’s that peeking in my window?” Don’t worry, it’s just a reporter from Slate.com.

Dismemberment Plan – “Come Home”
The opening line, “Called in sick to work today, couldn’t have gotten a damn thing done,” sounds like your life eh? Too bad you couldn’t call in sick since all the smart people took the week of the DNC off months ago. Sucker.

I’m from Barcelona – “Chicken Pox”
There are a lot of songs in this world that just need a few changes and all the sudden they are about something else. All you really need to do is change the title of this song to “DNC,” and the line, “As a kid I had the chicken pox… and I don’t ever want to go through that again,” to “As a kid I was at the DNC…” It’s a good thing you can’t have it once you had it, right?

Elton John – “Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word”
If you happen to be caught in between any of the “shit” then you might find yourself searching for an apology, either from the officer who nabbed you with a gelatinous spider web (they have those right?) or from the protestor who accidently covered your pearl white power suit in a urine bomb… just remember, it might never come, after all, “sorry seems to be the hardest word.”

George Harrison – “All Things Must Pass”
Are smoke bombs, long lines at Jamba Juice and traffic jams getting you down? Fret not, George Harrison has your mantra, “it’s not always going to be this way, all things must pass, all things must pass away.”

The Pinups – “Lookin’ For Boys”
You know what a lot of journalists and politicians are? Boys! So get on you bikini and “go lookin’ around, east side, west side, all over town.” Girls, now is your time – take those rich gonzo boys for all they got, fries and burgers galore!

Bruce Haack – “National Anthem to the Moon”
So the U.S. is where you live, but that doesn’t mean you have to sing that silly national anthem and be proud during the convention. Nope, you can sing along to Bruce Haack’s own anthem with lines like, “Love me now, before you have to go away… Nothing stays the same and things are changing every day, make it now while we have time to make it all the way.” Now if that isn’t a definition of “change” I don’t know what is.

Justice – “D.A.N.C.E.”
You ever notice that if you were to try to pronounce DNC it would come out “dance?” Yeah, that’s right, maybe it’s just the media coverage seeping into by water-blogged brain, but I’m pretty sure this song says, “Easy as ABC, do the DNC.” Just remember, “black or white it doesn’t matter… whatever happens, do the DNC.”

Tom Waits – “What’s He Building?”
Many of us haven’t had a chance to see what’s going on inside the Pepsi Center, which leaves us begging the question, “What the hell is he building in there? He has subscriptions to those magazines, he’s hiding things from the rest of us… what about all those packages he send?” So Obama, what are you building in there? Not a playhouse for the children that’s for sure, “change,” perhaps?

What?

So last night we get our first taste of “violence.”Blah blah blah the usual, “they started it,” “no, they started it” hubbub that resulted in a few arrests and no injuries. Maybe improv demonstrations es no bueno eh? Or maybe they are hardcore… Look at their cool masks.

(Rocky Mountain News)

But if you’re going to argue with the police you should really have the force on your side…

Or at least these guys…

(Cyclejerks)

Over at Cyclejerks Jen stepped it up a notch with quite a few photos — certainly nice and bike-centric for those of us on them (which is most of us indeed if I counted heads right yesterday, or how many toes were run over by arrogant/non-riding/dingus brains whom are trying ride downtown for the first time, on the sidewalk, during a protest, with people everywhere). Blarg.

Anyway, check out her Flikr gallery here. Catch her twitter feed here. And don’t forget out twitter too.

My favorite quote from yesterday didn’t come from protester’s and their mispelled signs, not from Brian Williams or Gumbel, not from Koppel or Arakawa — but from the police. In an interview with NPR regarding a package thought to be bad: “It is standard procedure to blow up all suspicious packages.” !!! Standard procedure!!! Man, I never get invited to the cool parties.

Yep, here we are, DNC day one. First day of grad school too. Ugh. Anyway, day one has provided us with many hilarious anecdotes, and although I will let you see the “streets” of Denver in pictures and on your own, I have to share some of my own thoughts on the whole thing.

First and foremost, protester’s are probably the most idiotic bunch of people on the planet. Whether you’re pro-baby-killing-fetus-eating-Obama-liquor-riots-anarchy-gayness-whatever-else or not, that doesn’t mean you have the right to look like a ‘tard, a cosplay reject, an anime character and an overall douchbag. Yep, Rage Against the Machine hasn’t changed shit, why do you think you’re going to? ‘68? Right, that was all you. The point is, your baby-fetus van is stupid, pro-lifers, get a life — your “masks” anarchists? Make you look ridiculous and somehow lowers your intelligence 50 points (especially when its on a 15 year old Highlands Ranch kid that shops at Hot Topic and eats too many Rice Krispy Treats because they’re supposedly vegan). Anarchists? You look like you should be at an Anime festival, not a protest.

And more? Well, the riot cops were nice to me.  A riot girl smiled at me when I walked past. Probably because I’m so darn awesome — or perhaps because I’m under 30 and not wearing all black with a Star Wars haircut and a Braveheart underarm stench. Regardless, eventless, thus far. Photos!

We’ve been a bit behind in our hyperlink colletions and thoughts of ridiculousness lately, and for that I apologize — who would have thought that the seemingly simple task of collecting stupid things and linking to them would be such a difficult task? Anyway, I’ve been thinking about many many things as of late, you know, because I’m fucking smart and that’s what I do — think.

• TUAW Back to School Addition – Tuaw.com has collected a slew of applications to help those of us that are in school — although they seem to be mistaken by the uncanny fact that NOT ONE FUCKING RESPECTABLE UNIVERSITY WOULD LET YOU USE WIKIPEDIA AS A SOURCE IN A MILLION YEARS. So yeah, use at your own risk dipshits, and enjoy that plagarism site gag of a F on your acedemic record.
• Brainy Gamer on narrative — The Brainy Gamer has compiled a number of different looks at what exactly defines narrative within a video game world — it’s interesting, especially since rarely do games succeed. The question of course still lies in whether or not people want to be completely immersed into a story or not, I for one, am all for it, and almost miss the days of playing games for story alone, hours at a time (and have my fingers crossed that Far Cry 2 and Fallout 3 will do just that), but with games like Rock Band and Wii Sports selling the most copies, it seems that the majority of folks aren’t really looking for immersion, but rather escape.
• Freelance DNC reporter? — Sounds normal enought right? Get some young kid out there who wants to make a name for themself and get into political journalism… but how do journalistic integrity and A QUESTION MARK SUIT go together? I hope this is a fucking joke.
• Gizmodo explaines the touchscreen – It’s one of those strange and magical devices that, when packed with pixie juice and fairy dust, respond to the touch of a finger. Whoa.
• Radiolab is bad-ass get with it – For the uninitiated, Radiolab is a sort of This American Life for science-ophiles. Yeah, that might sound sort of stupid or heady, and it is (heady that is), but the presentation is abnormally outstanding and worthy of a listen. In honor of the 5th Season beginning soon, I figured I’d toss you links to my five favorites from the last four.

“Emergence” — Takes a look at the theory of Emergence. Partially dealing with Steven Johnson’s mediocre book of the same name (mediocre in the way that it starts strong, gets super boring, unrelated and repetative and then ends on “meh” note. It’s great that the Wired writer makes it easy to read, but at the same time it ends up being simplified too much, and would have worked better as a feature article. But the parts about Simcity are pretty sweet). Um, I lost my train of thought… anyway, Emergence deals with the intelligence of groups, something that if you went to college in the 20th century you’ve already been taught not to belive in (”group think” exercise about the Cuban Missile Crisis anyone?). Nevermind, just listen to it.

“Pop Music” — This episode deals with figuring out how and why song’s get stuck in your head. Seems simple enough, right? That is, until you get to musical hallucinations and Elvis songs from Afghanistan.

“Time” — A number of different takes and looks at how we deal with and analyze time, this episode seems to go hand in hand with “Beyond Time” and coupled together they will blow your mind and likely send you to the fetal position as you try to wrap your brain around the concepts here.

“Musical Language” — Musical language hops from pyschology professor’s to “Rite of Spring” to perfect pitch in an all inclusive pass to figuring out what it is that makes human’s like music.

“War of the Worlds” — This episode examine’s the media’s uncanny ability to create panic–it’s actually remarkably frightening.

Yep, Denver is gearing up hardcore for Convention goers, journalists, and all other kinds of unsavory characters that will soon be invading our city. And you know what? Well, they want to give something back to us, the community that is putting this whole charade on. We get some handy dandy new bike lanes to keep us safer than ever when we’re peddling to and from/for work. Gee whiz Denver, thanks from all of us for our future broken bones, busted bikes and brain blisters!

Doesn’t this bike lane on 18th just look like the safest thing you’ve ever seen?

Now if this isn’t a completely new definition of the word “safe” I don’t know what is!

Now, don’t label me an anarchist or protestor or anything, but, well, aren’t those just pictures of bikes painted on car lanes to make it look like we’re a more bike friendly city than we are? And aren’t the handlebars on the bikes on backwards?