The Republic of Thoronia

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(above video for your reference only)

The dame tried to lift my cash like a hot air balloon. She had me with a look I could feel in my hip. She was a gold digger — she came at me fast, but I wasn’t a golden boy. I knew her story. I could see what she was going for and it wasn’t me. My scotch soaked jacket and cigar scented shadow threw her off my trail. I knew her story and it wasn’t a pleasant one. Just go dance girl, go ahead and dance.

This dame roulette met a guy at the Times Gazette. She had a purse by Chanel under her arm like a long necked gazelle. She called him a man because the cut of his suit. She could tell he’d had enough dames to fill a milk can. He told her, “not any bird will do,” and asked if she was the one. The psychic told him she would have the eyes of Claudette Colbert, Joan Crawford, Greta Garbo.

He took her up to Hollywood. Pulled up in a washtub pretending to be a taxi. They had a bite to eat, but her wallet was thin as a toothpick. Her legs could make a bishop turn coy so he paid off the tab. She’s been around the block more times than a meat wagon on the Fourth of July.

Years later

I heard this dame popped out a kid with a face like a bucket of mud. The poor sap’s paying for it while driving around the valley, lost like an onion on a sundae. He’s flashing his smile on a newsreel for money. She was supposed to buy the kid a ball cap with this money. Instead she had her lips pumped like an allergic bee sting making her face look like an amputated leg on its way to the opera.

His lawyer probably pushed for a pre-nup. Her voice, smooth as a golden egg, disappeared the idea.

Years later

He finds out the kid wasn’t even his.

I’m not saying you’re a gold digger ma’am. You just want a man to smoke, but not to spot the flame. When his wallet gets thinner than his hair you leave. Poor guy’s trying to work his way up like Coolidge in Massachusetts. You don’t care though, you’re a gold digger.

This was deemed to strange for the publication I usually write for. What do you think?

Pop songs aren’t known for their efficiency in resolving stories. Often times they’ll introduce an idea and never flesh it out. Truth be told, far too often we’re left wondering what ever happened and it’s this wonderment that has caused us to finish out some of these stories.

Case in point, we’ve always wondered what exactly happened to Jon Bon Jovi, who in 1986 publically declared himself to be “wanted dead or alive” by an entity he never names.

We are going to assume then the entity in question is another cowboy faction, perhaps a group of bounty hunters, maybe the government. But what did Bon Jovi do to cause this rebel status? The information we have gives little information: we are aware he is a cowboy and because of historical fact we know cowboys are often times wanted for actions such as looting trains, shoot outs in the street and drinking whiskey in saloons.

However, Mr. Bon Jovi doesn’t appear to be involved in any murder as he only walks around with a six-string on his back. He does however note the fact he has seen a million faces and rocked every single on of them. Could this be the deed that caused his wanted poster to erupt across the west? Perhaps it’s the fact he had invented a system for telling the day of the week by what type of bottle he’s drinking out of?

The most compelling evidence we’ve unearthed from years of research lead us to believe Jon Bon Jovi himself wasn’t actually a wanted criminal but rather his steel horse was the culprit. For those unaware, he doesn’t travel by the traditional cowboy appliance of a horse, but rather a steel horse. This horse is a steam-powered horse with red eyes that shoot lasers and a tail that turns into a shotgun.

As chronicled in the song, Bon Jovi goes days without sleep. This can cause a delusional state, a state in which he may have been unaware of the activity his steel horse was taking part in: killing prostitutes. Because of his relationship with the horse, authorities pinned these murders on him and subsequently he was forced to ride all night just to get back to his homestead.

Contrary to popular belief, this case was actually resolved in Johnson v Bon Jovi in Twobit, Nevada. It took some real digging to find the core of the story here, as it seems Bon Jovi himself might have destroyed many of the documents.

Court record prove when brought up to the witness stand, Bon Jovi, drunk on Tuesday, described his lack of sleep and his ability to only “play for keeps” to a panel of his peers. Sympathetic but unforgiving the jury was nearly ready to hand out the verdict of guilty when the steel horse stormed the courtroom and attempted to murder the jury. With a quick and steady resolve, Bon Jovi himself took his own horse down.

The charges were dropped and he was once again free to rock the faces of millions across the globe. In a public statement he later apologized for the actions of his horse stating, “We weren’t born to follow, we have to stand up for what we believe.”

So, it’s the end of the year, which happens to also be the end of the decade. We all know what that means, barrels and barrels of lists and best of’s and everything else with a number at the beginning. It’s just what we media nerds do at this time of year. So, due to the easy to use internet phenomenon of hyperlinking I’ve compiled a list of the lists I’ve done so far, with a couple more coming up here on this blog in the near future. Anyway, enjoy, complain about what’s missing, or complain about how list-making is stupid (but be forewarned, your complaints won’t stop it from happening again and again and again).

1. Top Ten Songs from the ’00s That Will Puzzle Future Generations

2. Ten of the Best Soundtracks of the Decade

3. Ten of the Best Reissues of the Decade.

4. Ten Best Video Game Soundtracks of the Decade

5. Top Ten CD/LP Packaging of the Decade

6. Top Ten Cover Songs of the Decade

My favorite albums have been written up and sent off to the printing press as well, so those are only available on that ancient and strange medium of paper (I think anyway, maybe they’ll be online? They don’t tell me these things).

I thought briefly about going into the why’s and what’s of the list, but decided to leave it at just a list. I’ve gotten to work on my decade lists as well, which will be entirely different from any other decade lists because they will have nothing to do with content (everyone else seems to have the music and the game quality thing covered). I will be tackling it from another angle — and I’m not going to reveal that until I print it here because I don’t want you sods stealing my idea.

On another note, don’t forget to include The Republic of Thoronia’s Soundtrack to Simoebic Dysentery on your “best of” list this year, if you liked it that is (I need not remind you it took 3rd place in audio in a competition, do I? I didn’t think so).

10. Kraftwerk – The Catalogue (Reissue)

9. Fell – Incoherent Lullabies

8. Bibio – Ambivalence Avenue

7. Raekwon - Only Built 4 Cuban Linx… Pt. II

6. Rock Plaza Central – At the Moment of Our Most Needing

5. Black Moth Super Rainbow - Eating Us

4. The Flaming Lips – Embryonic

3. Mos Def – The Ecstatic

2. The Feelies – Crazy Rhythms (reissue)

1. Future of the Left – Travels With Myself and Another (thanks Mojiferous!)