The Republic of Thoronia

Super Ants Attack Houston — Yep, super ants. They use their dead to build bridges over pesticide, have multiple queens and are destroying electronics. Take that Sylvester Stallone!

Chinese realize censorship is bad, or at least that they can’t control it… — The recent earthquake in Central China has given us some terrifying images. Suprisingly, the Chinese government hasn’t tried to hold back a nation that boasts being the leader in owners of cell phones, digital cameras and other gadgetlike do-hickeys.

Toyota tries to show Honda’s Asimo whose boss – Fails, because nothing is cooler than Asimo.

For those worried about zombie related injuries – Wired has a wiki-how to for you. Go! Get out! Hurry!

Neil Young gets a spider named after him — A biologist at East Carolina University has named a trapdoor spider Myrmekiaphila neilyoungi. I’ve always thought Neil Young’s strange hair was a little spider like.

Myspace wins Spam lawsuit — I’m sure that we’ll all get a piece of that financial pie. No?

Cyclists take to freeway — Proof that cyclists can have hard heads some times. But, you know, proves that gridlocked traffic sucks too.

Decemberists prove they’re smart by opening up for… Obama? – Yep, now even indie bands have a say. Didn’t the Canadian act Arcade Fire do the same thing? Well, at least the Decemberists can vote in America. Of course, they don’t help Obama’s struggle with the working class, being the slightly pretentious college educated folk that they are. But they do up the adorability factor of Obama’s campaign.

Don’t worry, the Scarlett Johanson album is terrible – I mean really really really really really really really really really really really bad. Even if you don’t like Tom Waits you’ll be offended. It’s even produced by one fo the guys from TV on the Radio, has some famous people like some guy named Nik Zinner and some flamboyant guy named David Bowie doing stuff — but guess what? You can’t stop a piece of shit from stinking by adding more crap to it!

King Thor was going to start recording on Sunday — And realized that he was missing a power chord. Boo-urns. Don’t fret though! The recording starts today. Geffen Records here I come!

Nanotechnology stops bleeding. People around the world cheer as they no longer have to worry about their band-aid falling off in the shower and looking super gross.

Dolphin gets prothetic tail. “Is this a fucking joke?” you might ask. No, no joke. 

Scarlett Johansson set to release tribute album to Tom Waits. Um, yeah I don’t get it either. I never really understood tribute albums in general, but especially tribute albums to people whom are still alive. Oh, and by an actress nonetheless, an actress with a big lip and sexy last name.

Russia on its way back to the top. ”Awwwwww…… shitttttttttt!” Says Obama, “Fuck!” shouts McCain. They both drop out and King Thor is elected. He then goes to Russia and ice skates with Putin, talks about the upcoming and amazing looking, Stalin vs. Martians. Then we eat ice cream and high five while listening to Bruce Springsteen.

Gore Verbinski (you know, the director who did the craptastical trilogy Pirates of the Caribbean) will be directing the new Bioshock movie. Bioshock was hailed by many as being a narrative masterpiece (Essentially being: a man is in a plane wreck, finds underwater dystopia, fights his way out, innovative, I know… becuase it’s underwater) and to be honest, I only partially agree. I mean the game is alright. It’s nothing mind-blowing. I mean, simply because the writers create and Ayn Rand inspired underwater fright show doesn’t mean the game has a great narrative. It certainly asks question, gives answers and sometimes makes the gamer make a choice — or at least gives the gamer the illusion of choice. If Bioshock gave us nothing else, it gives us a game that seems to recognize that it’s a game, and then subsequently sets out to screw with the player.

Now Microsoft wants to buy Facebook. I’m growing a little tired of Microsoft’s ambition’s to simply purchase everything. Or, more accurately, I’m growing a little weary that Microsoft hasn’t tried to purchase The Republic of Thoronia. 

Torrentspy gets a $111 million copyright lawsuit. I still can’t believe that nobody is getting the hint that people don’t want to pay for their crappy music tastes. Maybe the music and video industries should consider just DROPPING the prices. Price drops=more sales. Why the hell does nobody ever talk to me about these things?

College’s are becoming less selective. High prices and dropouts are causing college’s to dig deeper into their wait lists. President Bush comments, “See, I told you that my education plan had a point.” Could this possible be related to the ever increasing cost of going to college that was spiked by Bush’s cut of education funding to pay for the war? Hmm, no, I’m sure this was his plan all along, no?

Nintendo’s WiiWare launched. Fanboys get stoked. XBOX and PS3 owners are confused, since they’ve had indie-centric titles since their upstarts. Whatever, I’m going to go download Defend Your Castle and think about how awesome the Republic of Thoronia game is going to be on a Wii.

All the important news from the last week, I read so you don’t have to!

Obama wins Guam by seven votes. Seven, that’s is seven Guamanese… Guamos, Guamatanomos… people from Guam that made a difference, even though they can’t vote in November!

Iron Man the Movie comes out. Fanboys think it’s the “best comic book movie ever,” sorta-fanboys say, “It was pretty alright, better than Spiderman 3,” non-fanboys say, ‘Why did they base a movie off a Black Sabbath Song? Bah bah bah bah bah, bona bona bona bona bona DUN DUN DUN!”

Let’s Yoga is released for Nintendo DS. Girlfriends everywhere hijack DS for a week, give up, tell their boyfriends they should start doing Yoga. “It’s only eight minutes a day, what the hell else do you do?” They say… “We do important things,” we say, “Like write about the news.”

Some website launches, wants to pay its writers peanuts. Sometimes people ask me questions about how much I get paid. I usually tell them. In this particular case, this website wants to pay its writer the equivilent of .012 cents per word. That’s about six dollars for a 500 word article. Let’s put it this way, even the Onion pays .10 cents a word.

Microsoft finally backs off the Yahoo bid.  Yahoo is like, sha’ like we’re totally worth more than that. OMG. We have the gayest, stupidest logo using the most god awful fucking font ever. Buy us at $37 a share!

Since Microsoft gives up, some type of merger has to happen, DT, known to Americans as T-Mobile is considering puting in a bid for Sprint/Nextel. That means it would be at least three companies rolled up into one. Firefighters wonder if they’ll still get a chance to balance the budget.

GKT levels up to 55 in COD4. Unemployment has allowed him to get pretty dang good.

Genetics found to be the cause of most problems. Now its oseoporosis and other bone fractures. Creationists and religious zealots insist, “It’s God’s fault your fucked up, not your parents.” 

Tecmo Bowl is announced for the Nintendo DS. GKT get’s super stoked.

NIN hops on the free train. Apperently Trent Reznor’s head isn’t as much like a hole as we’d all thought. Perhaps this is because of Radiohead’s success, perhaps it’s because NIN is indeed a progressive band. As long as there is a song with a vocoder and a theremin I’ll be happy.

King Thor doesn’t have a lot to do most of the time, so he spends a lot of time reading about stuff. Sometimes things happen, but rarely. So, here is what he thinks about some of the things he’s read about.

• Wesley Snipes get’s tax-sniped — For “forgetting about taxes.” Yeah, I know that your were busy thinking about how awesome your character in Blade is, but even half-vampires have to pay taxes. Have fun thinking about Blade 4-8 while you hang out in prison for THREE YEARS. Ha!
• Grand Theft Auto IV is released – Millions upon millions of fanboys surround local Gamestop’s and Target’s to pick up the most overrated, stupidly conceived, boring game of the last decade to make trillions of dollars. Critics around the world gloat of it being the greatest thing since Jesus, mother’s of children who want the game smack them and buy Mario Kart instead. King Thor rates GTAIV 1/5 crowns, gets internet punched by Kotaku.
• King Thor decides that the new Nick Cave album, Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!! is the hottest shit to hit his “decks” in months. Suddenly, KT is surrounded with joy and excitement as he realizes that not all new music is filled with critic-friendly words like, “orchestrated,” “baroque,” or “massive.” He listens to it everyday, along with Bruce Springsteen Nebraska and Marty Robbins Gunfighter Ballads.
• Fanboys and gadget dorks worldwide continue to speculate on the new iPhone. Highlights include: 3G support, penis tickler, 5 megapixel camera and the ability to sort laundry. Mac fans cream themselves and buy new iMac’s, drive Volvo’s into the sunset while listening to U2 and thinking about their graphic design job.
• Clinton and Obama continue on — You know how during the Super Bowl it was really great watching the Giants come from behind to beat the favorited Patriots? Well, that was a fun, edge of the seat defeat that proved that Super Bowl’s could still be interesting. The democratic nomitation is going the same way, with Obama coming out of nowhere to defeat the Patriots. Er, Clinton. The only problem is that it’s like a 10 PM starting Stanley Cub Playoff game that is in the 5th overtime. We all just want to go to bed, but we still need to know who wins.
• Peta Announces Fake Chicken Challenge — Chickens around the world bawk at the stupidity of it all.
• RoT Website FUCKS UP. Loses half this post. GKT too lazy to retype it all…

If everyone has gotten bored of listening to Shackleton’s Dogs over and over again, then you might find solace at PALAOA. PALAOA is currently transmitting a live audio feed from the Antarctic Ocean. The goal is to record the sound of an ocean that has no humans. Hmm, should I email them to tell them that they’ve set up a base right on top of King Thor’s home? Oh well, maybe if you listen enough you’ll hear some kickin’ underwater jams.