The Republic of Thoronia

Every once and a while I spot something strange in Denver. I rarely take a picture of it, and even more rarely share it with anyone who isn’t with me. However, these two things I had to spread the word on…

Wow, what an uneventful day. It seems like Denver prepared us all ten-fold for the DNC, but only three folds worth of protesters showed up, and nobody is downtown. Today Denver metro looked more like the day after Thanksgiving than being in the midst of the biggest convention this town has ever seen. So, where are all the protesters? Scared? Unlikely. In jail? Only a 100 or so so far. Oh, right, they’re all incredibly unorganized! Of course! I’ve been bashing protesters here all week, so forgive me for another, it’s not that I don’t believe in the rights of free speech, or being liberal with idea’s, but when you are going to protest something, combine your forces. Too many different agenda’s have come to Denver and none of them are getting their point across.

There is also the matter of lying. Someone in Denver is lying. 9 News? NPR? The protesters? Whose getting tear gassed, pepper-sprayed and beaten seems to be getting lost in the shuffle. There is one report of an officer hitting a girl from Make Love Not War, confirmed. The rest (the tear gassing at least) seems to be getting confused. Was there tear gas on Monday night? Protesters say yes, cops say yes, media says maybe and the medics say no… and some of them say yes. Have you ever been tear gassed? I have (albeit when the Avalanche won the Stanley Cup, so, not cool like I was at the WTO protests or something) and its not really a confusing matter. You know when it happens, and although it doesn’t really hurt, it confuses you enough that it ought to stand out in your memory.

So, we don’t really know whats going on unless we’re there. I am not there, I don’t want to be there, I don’t care. I have too much to do. But with all the cop bashing and security threats I feel like I have to weigh in on a detail that might get me thrown out of whatever protester circles I might be known in. I feel sorry for the officers. I really do. These men and women are working long hours, in blazing heat, wearing all black uniforms that look as though they weigh 20-30 pounds. That doesn’t sound like fun, and if they get a little pissy at the end of their 16 hour day and lose a bit of their edge, I can’t blame them. Certainly they need to exercise a bit of self-control, but when some pink clad anarchist mumbo-jumbo is spitting in your face and calling you a pig, throwing bottles and cans, it’s inevitable that eventually there is going to be chaos. Of course, that might just be what everyone wants, chaos and the loss of control. Protester’s win, because they can go home and tell a story, whine about it on myspace, and complain about court fees. Cops win because they can make use of some really sweet new gear they got for this event. It’s a win-win.

Personally, I’ll be at home doing homework and playing video games.

Yep, here we are, DNC day one. First day of grad school too. Ugh. Anyway, day one has provided us with many hilarious anecdotes, and although I will let you see the “streets” of Denver in pictures and on your own, I have to share some of my own thoughts on the whole thing.

First and foremost, protester’s are probably the most idiotic bunch of people on the planet. Whether you’re pro-baby-killing-fetus-eating-Obama-liquor-riots-anarchy-gayness-whatever-else or not, that doesn’t mean you have the right to look like a ‘tard, a cosplay reject, an anime character and an overall douchbag. Yep, Rage Against the Machine hasn’t changed shit, why do you think you’re going to? ‘68? Right, that was all you. The point is, your baby-fetus van is stupid, pro-lifers, get a life — your “masks” anarchists? Make you look ridiculous and somehow lowers your intelligence 50 points (especially when its on a 15 year old Highlands Ranch kid that shops at Hot Topic and eats too many Rice Krispy Treats because they’re supposedly vegan). Anarchists? You look like you should be at an Anime festival, not a protest.

And more? Well, the riot cops were nice to me.  A riot girl smiled at me when I walked past. Probably because I’m so darn awesome — or perhaps because I’m under 30 and not wearing all black with a Star Wars haircut and a Braveheart underarm stench. Regardless, eventless, thus far. Photos!

Yep, Denver is gearing up hardcore for Convention goers, journalists, and all other kinds of unsavory characters that will soon be invading our city. And you know what? Well, they want to give something back to us, the community that is putting this whole charade on. We get some handy dandy new bike lanes to keep us safer than ever when we’re peddling to and from/for work. Gee whiz Denver, thanks from all of us for our future broken bones, busted bikes and brain blisters!

Doesn’t this bike lane on 18th just look like the safest thing you’ve ever seen?

Now if this isn’t a completely new definition of the word “safe” I don’t know what is!

Now, don’t label me an anarchist or protestor or anything, but, well, aren’t those just pictures of bikes painted on car lanes to make it look like we’re a more bike friendly city than we are? And aren’t the handlebars on the bikes on backwards?

Hey there,

Did you know that many of the Thoronian’s are based in Denver, Colorado? It’s true, and many of us are combining our forces to bring you comprehensive coverage of the Democratic National Convention.. from the outside of them. You see, we’re not politicians, Democrats, or, for that matter, important or passionate enough to get into the convention, so for us, well, we get to deal with the silliness that happens outside. Our poor little Denver, uprooted and moved to a National stage, while the rest of us are just trying to do our damn jobs. We’ve already gotten in contact with the folks over at Cycle Jerks, whom will be providing us with a few live tweets and photos (as well as other Bicycle Messengers who get to deal with the blunt sword of the police as well as “new” laws, rules and bike lanes), a Copy Center Manager (who travels to work via bicycle via the Cherry Creek path, i.e. right in the midst of where EVERYONE who gets their free bike for week will be), retail workers (OMG did Barrack Obama send someone to buy the new Coldplay for him! WTFDHDTNROTBA (Why the fuck didn’t he just download the new Republic of Thoronia Band album?), machinery delivery personel, and myself, a mild mannered Medical Records Clerk looking for lunch.

Running up to the events (August 25th-28th), we’ll cover some of the ways Denver has miraculously changed (new bike lanes appearing where car lanes used to be/still are, city streets being cleaned… for a massive amount of people to dirty again, new laws being enforced, security checkpoints, inside the Pepsi Center Parking lot and more).

Anyone else that works downtown or close to it should get in touch with me if you’re interested in eavesdropping on blogger’s Macbook’s, hotel conversations or sexy John Edwards extramarital meetings (Celebrity spotters need too!).