The Republic of Thoronia

So, here in Thoronia we have been epically busy living life, running things into walls and making stories. So, we’ve been a bit out of date when it comes to our usual selection of reviews on stuff and things, comments about worlds and other various tidbits of information. So, we’ve compiled it all here into one post. Tons of reviews of things, pointless arguments and opinions about random stuff. Why? Because we are well aware that the Republic of Thoronia is your number one place for news and reviews, and you value our opinions far more than everyone else’s. Right? Break!

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We are all aware that when ideas, movements, movies and books are taken to the ice capades, the world suddenly becomes a little lighter, a little happier, and little slicker. Think Rick Wakeman’s Arthuron Ice, The 1980 “Miracle on Ice,” or, my personal favorite Mario On Ice (starring Alyssa Milano and Jason Bateman, yeah, the Jason Bateman from Arrested Development, I’m not kidding, watch the video). Anyway, it got me thinking, what other amazing moments in history and film could be transcribed to the “on ice” format?

• Blade Runner on Ice – Okay, I’m sure that Harrison Ford wouldn’t be willing to star in this, but he might be willing to lend his voice. The philosophical questions that the films raises, humanity, moral and ethical codes — this could all be solved on ice. Imagine the scene with Deckard chasing after Roy, when he gets knocked into the pole and is hanging their in a crucified pose… now cue spinning pole as it lights up with glitter and Roy delivers his monologue while spinning around — Deckard pacing back and forth, anxious for it all to end. That’d be classic. Then, at the end of the capade a giant oragami unicorn can skate out (like four people inside it) and deliver the a final song about empathy and humanity and teach us all a lesson in what it means to be a human being (and maybe answer that pesky riddle of whether Deckard was a replicant or not).
• Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream Speech” on Ice — What do you mean offensive? This is an inspiration speech and things that are inspiration are always better “on ice.” You could even change the words slightly, “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by their ice skating abilities.” See, it works great — then you could have the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners skate onto the ice together, hand in hand, singing, “Free at last! Free at last! Thank ice almighty we are free to skate at last!”
• Bosnian Genocide on Ice — If any moment in history demands to be put “on ice” its the Bosnian Genocide. I mean, this is already in a cold mountain town, so why not shed light on the Serb’s choice to ethnically cleanse the people of Srebrenica, on ice! You could have a section in where the ghosts of Lenin, Columbus and Mao come in and high-five each other while the people of Sarajevo chant “Whoops, didn’t mean to get noticed…” 
• Mars Volta’s Frances the Mute on Ice — Supposedly this is some type of concept album, or at least it’s a continual story — something to do with an audio technician finding a diary about an adopted kid looking for their parents, then the album was “based” on that. Based, that is, on the ludicrious brain map of Cedric Bixler-Zavala. If his lyrics make sense to you, then you are a serious fanboy that needs to get out of the house more often and ride you bicycle while listening to Led Zeppelin. Anyway, Frances the Mute on ice would go something like this: Man in cape plays keyboard and guitar while Cedric talks about “My nails peel back/When the taxidermist ruined/Goose stepped the freckling impatience/All the brittle tombs/Five hundred little q’s/I’m splitting hairs to/Match the faces.” The ice skaters, or capaders, would skate aimlessly around while the audience vomitted all over themselves.
• Battleship Potemkin on Ice — Sergei Einstein’s 1925 classic is likely to be looked over by kids and young adults as being: boring, silent, old. So why not update the classic tale of Bolshevik rebellion against a Tsarist regime by putting it on ice? The revolutionary “The Odessa Staircase” sequence could feature a a massive ice sculptor with the soldiers running down and killing everyone. Then the sequence when the mother is shot and baby carriage begins to fall could be done in slo-mo, with the carriage being attached to a string and the dead and wounded are all singing, “All power to the Soviets” while the soldiers march (or hit their skates on the ice) in time.