The Republic of Thoronia

He is sitting in the waiting room of Dr. Cynthia Mason’s plastic surgery clinic in Denver, Colorado, tapping his foot in eager anticipation. Clad in a tight cowboy shirt and even tighter jeans, 25 year-old Steven Muldue doesn’t appear to be the type of person that you’d likely expect to see in a plastic surgeons waiting room. With a sleek and slightly mussed haircut and an air of vintage vogue, Steven may be a better fit at a high fashion photo shoot or dingy nightclub – his anticipatory foot tapping seems to be to the tune of a straight 4/4 riff, his eyes glossed with a gleam of waiting for a day he thought would never come.

That’s because most thought it never would.

The waiting room has been filling with types like Muldue for the past six months, after a recent surgery by Dr. Mason gave local Radiohead enthusiast Michael Garafalo a treatment that made him look more like Radiohead lead singer Thom Yorke. The treatment, which Dr. Mason perfected by slicing a small section of the eyelid, has been dubbed by local fanatics as the Yorke-cut. In the simplest terms, the $600 surgery gives fans a chance to recreate on their own person the trademark Thom Yorke Amblyopiatic left eye.

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via [Westword]

So, just a tiny, little announcement, The Good and venerable King Thor will be participating in a group art show at Skinny Squirrel Gallery this coming Friday. The show is all bike-centric and what not. Here is the strange piece of “art” that King Thor produced in a frenzy of “creativity.” (Quotations denoting King Thor’s actual non-abilty at creating art-works). Anyway, anyone that wants to buy this sucker is more than welcome, ($20?) and the money will be donated to Lilly Collier.

Nanotechnology stops bleeding. People around the world cheer as they no longer have to worry about their band-aid falling off in the shower and looking super gross.

Dolphin gets prothetic tail. “Is this a fucking joke?” you might ask. No, no joke. 

Scarlett Johansson set to release tribute album to Tom Waits. Um, yeah I don’t get it either. I never really understood tribute albums in general, but especially tribute albums to people whom are still alive. Oh, and by an actress nonetheless, an actress with a big lip and sexy last name.

Russia on its way back to the top. ”Awwwwww…… shitttttttttt!” Says Obama, “Fuck!” shouts McCain. They both drop out and King Thor is elected. He then goes to Russia and ice skates with Putin, talks about the upcoming and amazing looking, Stalin vs. Martians. Then we eat ice cream and high five while listening to Bruce Springsteen.

Gore Verbinski (you know, the director who did the craptastical trilogy Pirates of the Caribbean) will be directing the new Bioshock movie. Bioshock was hailed by many as being a narrative masterpiece (Essentially being: a man is in a plane wreck, finds underwater dystopia, fights his way out, innovative, I know… becuase it’s underwater) and to be honest, I only partially agree. I mean the game is alright. It’s nothing mind-blowing. I mean, simply because the writers create and Ayn Rand inspired underwater fright show doesn’t mean the game has a great narrative. It certainly asks question, gives answers and sometimes makes the gamer make a choice — or at least gives the gamer the illusion of choice. If Bioshock gave us nothing else, it gives us a game that seems to recognize that it’s a game, and then subsequently sets out to screw with the player.

Now Microsoft wants to buy Facebook. I’m growing a little tired of Microsoft’s ambition’s to simply purchase everything. Or, more accurately, I’m growing a little weary that Microsoft hasn’t tried to purchase The Republic of Thoronia. 

Torrentspy gets a $111 million copyright lawsuit. I still can’t believe that nobody is getting the hint that people don’t want to pay for their crappy music tastes. Maybe the music and video industries should consider just DROPPING the prices. Price drops=more sales. Why the hell does nobody ever talk to me about these things?

College’s are becoming less selective. High prices and dropouts are causing college’s to dig deeper into their wait lists. President Bush comments, “See, I told you that my education plan had a point.” Could this possible be related to the ever increasing cost of going to college that was spiked by Bush’s cut of education funding to pay for the war? Hmm, no, I’m sure this was his plan all along, no?

Nintendo’s WiiWare launched. Fanboys get stoked. XBOX and PS3 owners are confused, since they’ve had indie-centric titles since their upstarts. Whatever, I’m going to go download Defend Your Castle and think about how awesome the Republic of Thoronia game is going to be on a Wii.

All the important news from the last week, I read so you don’t have to!

Obama wins Guam by seven votes. Seven, that’s is seven Guamanese… Guamos, Guamatanomos… people from Guam that made a difference, even though they can’t vote in November!

Iron Man the Movie comes out. Fanboys think it’s the “best comic book movie ever,” sorta-fanboys say, “It was pretty alright, better than Spiderman 3,” non-fanboys say, ‘Why did they base a movie off a Black Sabbath Song? Bah bah bah bah bah, bona bona bona bona bona DUN DUN DUN!”

Let’s Yoga is released for Nintendo DS. Girlfriends everywhere hijack DS for a week, give up, tell their boyfriends they should start doing Yoga. “It’s only eight minutes a day, what the hell else do you do?” They say… “We do important things,” we say, “Like write about the news.”

Some website launches, wants to pay its writers peanuts. Sometimes people ask me questions about how much I get paid. I usually tell them. In this particular case, this website wants to pay its writer the equivilent of .012 cents per word. That’s about six dollars for a 500 word article. Let’s put it this way, even the Onion pays .10 cents a word.

Microsoft finally backs off the Yahoo bid.  Yahoo is like, sha’ like we’re totally worth more than that. OMG. We have the gayest, stupidest logo using the most god awful fucking font ever. Buy us at $37 a share!

Since Microsoft gives up, some type of merger has to happen, DT, known to Americans as T-Mobile is considering puting in a bid for Sprint/Nextel. That means it would be at least three companies rolled up into one. Firefighters wonder if they’ll still get a chance to balance the budget.

GKT levels up to 55 in COD4. Unemployment has allowed him to get pretty dang good.

Genetics found to be the cause of most problems. Now its oseoporosis and other bone fractures. Creationists and religious zealots insist, “It’s God’s fault your fucked up, not your parents.” 

Tecmo Bowl is announced for the Nintendo DS. GKT get’s super stoked.

NIN hops on the free train. Apperently Trent Reznor’s head isn’t as much like a hole as we’d all thought. Perhaps this is because of Radiohead’s success, perhaps it’s because NIN is indeed a progressive band. As long as there is a song with a vocoder and a theremin I’ll be happy.

You know when I was little I used to think that the Black Sabbath song “Iron Man” was about the remarkably lame red and yellow superhero. It’s not. And now that I’ve seen the song in action with the movie trailer, I feel stupid, cheated and overwhelmingly saddened by society.

If I was told to make a reality TV show right now, I think it’d be hilarious to have a bunch of recent college graduates battling for entry level $20k/year jobs. You know, it’d be heartwarming, sad, and make most kids decide not to go to college.

Here is a short movie review of Into the Wild: Dude doesn’t really like his parents, goes off in the world with no money and hardly any possessions, eats some bad shit and dies.

Using Bon Jovi’s “Dead or Alive” as the introduction for a TV show only conjures up images of the movie in which it is ultimately tied to. So History Channel, you shouldn’t have done that — unless Emilio Estevaz is going to get on that fishing boat.